This is dedicated to my friend Krista, for often being on the receiving end of my own entanglements, we all teach what we need to learn. xo
We’re plugging along, doing our Thing and then something occurs to stop us in our tracks.
Maybe we get dissed or dismissed by a peer, maybe we receive less-than-stellar feedback about our performance, maybe someone we trust doesn’t follow through on a promise.
Whatever the trigger we quickly go from cool and collected to righteously pissed.
These are the exact moments when what the fuuuuuuuck feels like the most accurate and eloquent thing to say, followed by a speed dial to our closest girlfriends to share every damn detail.
What we’re seeking is validation for our pain and discomfort.
We’re looking for the people we care about to rally around us. To take our side. To tell us that we’re right to feel the way that we feel.
But, by doing so, we create drama.
We keep circling the same story and reliving the reasons why we’re mad, sad, offended. And that just keeps us feeling mad, sad, offended as well as the people who care about us, because they’re now invested in the “story” too. So, the situation grows like a bad weed.
The good news? You don’t have to repeat the cycle of drama every time you’re triggered.
It’s completely possible to send drama packin’. I’m talking about a major break-up. One I know you’re ready for.
Imagine upping your self-leadership skills to the point where drama was non-existent in your life and business. Ahh, sigh. That feels lighter already.
Dear Drama, We’re through (4 steps to kicking drama to the curb)
Step No. 1: Learn to validate yourself
You never need permission or approval to feel the way you do. If you’re feeling hurt, angry, betrayed, or let down it’s your truth. Give yourself full permission to feel the way that you feel.
Name the feeling. Claim the feeling.
Step No. 2: Name the value that was stomped on
When you feel pissed off, defensive, or knocked off your center, it’s because one (or more) of your core values has been stepped on. Pause long enough to name the value that just got squished.
When you know why you feel intense about something the need to keep talking and talking and talking about it will subside rather quickly.
Step No. 3: Play the role of hero, not victim
Perspective is everything. Before you call your friend and dish on the details ask yourself: How would a heroine tell this story? What details or facts would feel important for her to share? Leave out the rest.
Hero types believe they have a high level of personal power and that perspective allows them to be more creative and resourceful problem solvers. Whereas, the poor me perspective is just plain limiting on every level.
Step No. 4: Brainstorm ideas on how to gain closure or realignment
Once you’ve named the value that’s been compromised, get curious with yourself. Ask yourself: What do I need in order to feel closure with this person or situation?
This is the perfect time to speed dial your bestie and ask for support without creating drama.
It goes something like this:
“Bestie, I’d love your insights. I have a situation that I’m ready to get closure on. Someone I trusted didn’t follow through on a promise. I felt supremely pissed off initially but I realize that I’m actually deeply hurt and disappointed. My value of integrity got stepped on in a big way.
I’ve been thinking about what I need in order to move forward and come to some level of closure around this.
What feels important to me is honesty. I’m considering writing an email to express my disappointment. You know me well, what ideas do you have?”
This approach is collaborative and forward moving.
It omits the drama.
It allows you to be witnessed and acknowledged–because if she is an awesome friend she’ll tell you how sorry she is that this happened. But she won’t be entangled in a story that circles and circles.
When you collaborate on ways to move forward, you rise above the drama and move into a strong place of self-leadership. And you, my lovely, are a leader.